Don't mess with Ms. Manners

My mother always told me to be polite. Growing up in the South, manners are not optional. You treat anyone who happens to be even a few years older than you are with the utmost respect. I've taken this to an absurd level, frequently allowing people to treat me poorly while still smiling. Even now, I have a really hard time calling an "adult" by their first name unless they specifically request it. Regardless of how ridiculous that sounds, I maintain that manners are a good thing. Sometimes I think this might make me a little bit boring. For instance, although I come up with many a rude, offensive comeback line, I never deliver one. Okay, maybe if someone is my really good friend and I know they can handle it. But I can only think of a few times even that has happened. So, in light of my inability to actually say what's in my head, instead I will play out a situation that infuriated me today, and in italics will be what I wish I would have said.

Setting: Stern Grove Festival, during intermission. Our heroine is braving the crowds in an effort to retrieve the typically generous donations of a crowd that is happily enjoying a world-class concert, free of admission charges.

Characters: Our fearless heroine and one former coworker from an organic produce stand. Our heroine is wearing a bright blue smock, carrying a plastic box with a large, red balloon attached. She ascends a steep, wooded hill, yelling to people at the top of her lungs. The coworker, it should be noted, has a dream of running a non-profit of some variety. She prides herself on her social awareness and high ideals for humanity.

AND SCENE

Coworker: (enters, screaming at the top of her lungs) SNAIL! I was hoping to see you here! (throws her arms around our heroine)

Snail: Coworker! What a pleasant surprise! Would you like to donate a dollar and keep the Festival free? We'll give you a sticker!

Coworker: (dramatic pause, rolls her eyes) Dude, it's a FREE festival.

Snail: (in her most official informative voice) Well, actually the Festival is admission-free, but it costs 2.5 million dollars each year to produce. None of the artists we present to you perform for free and...

Coworker: (interrupts) Well, you'd think they would give their time for this!

Snail: Well, as a performing musician myself, I can tell you that we'd often love to play for free, but unfortunately we have to pay rent and eat as much as lawyers and bankers.

Coworker: I guess, but really, isn't it all about sharing the love? I mean, it's just an hour of their time. If they cared about society, they'd just give their time for everyone's enjoyment. People in other countries are starving. It's a privelege for these people to get to "play" music for a living.

Snail: I don't think they'd consider it a privelege to come and "share the love" with people who possess the degree of ignorance that you have just demonstrated. And honestly, the next time I require your opinion, I'll kick it out of you. I have to go collect more donations now. Enjoy the rest of the show.

AND SCENE