The Fear of Victory, the Thrill of Defeat

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. Once upon a time I felt like I could take over the world. I was almost self-righteous in my confidence. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would surpass everyone's expectations and fulfill all of my dreams within a very strict time frame. Suddenly, about a year ago, I felt like I hit a wall. I questioned everything, from my own limitations to my intentions. I allowed the doubt of others to permeate my concrete skin, to seep into my sense of self.

What I've found the most interesting, however, has been my discovery that many of my friends hit the same wall at the same time. I am starting to believe that it is the disease of our generation: this quarter-life crisis that suddenly hits us like a ton of bricks at age 25. At an age when we are supposed to be beginning our lives as adults, we are struck by a need for excitement and a simultaneous need for stability. Are we members of a generation that doesn't know what it wants?

A lot of the answer might lie in the differences between our parents and ourselves. My parents married straight out of college, at age 22. They had me when they were 25 and moved to the town where they still reside at age 29. They bought their first home at 23 and have lived in only about 5 homes since I was born. They claim to have only ever slept with each other. Most of me recognizes that their world was nothing like the world we live in. College degrees were still prized as something slightly unusual, careers were chosen at a young age and built over a lifetime. The person you chose as your life partner was someone you'd met in college, or soon after. Celebrity obsession hadn't yet caused us to demand incredible wealth and uniqueness of ourselves and our lives.

I look at my parents and envy them their value of family ties, their long-standing goals. I envy them their ability to create stability in a world that terrifies me on a daily basis. I wish I had their ability to take satisfaction in the small victories of life. I just don't know if I'm ready to surrender my dreams of an ideal life for the sake of security. Maybe this is the curse of our generation. Personally, I hope the feeling of dissatisfaction that seems to be plaguing us now will ultimately inspire us to achieve the unachievable, to tear back the veil of apathy that our forebears seem to continually accuse us of and create a world that is more brilliant for us all.