The cherry on top!

What could possibly add a little bit of extra sparkle to a January like this? I'd frankly already reached a point where it was just too ridiculous to care anymore. Once I discovered the degree to which someone has been using my bank account, all bets were off. The past month simply became funny.

So what, you ask, could possibly have just topped it off?

How about getting stuck in my extremely creepy, ancient elevator for over an hour? Yeah. That would probably do it. The good news? I was coming home from the grocery store, so at least I had cold beer in there with me.

Stick a fork in me...

'cuz I'm done. Gala is over. So is my adrenaline-induced awakedness. I'll talk to y'all mañana. Until then...

Either you are in, or you are out. I am out. Auf Wiedersehen.

(This is clearly my most intelligent, insighful post to date. I realize. Thanks.)

A rant, and then a bunch of other stuff

It's 10:56, and I just got home about ten minutes ago. We've all been working our asses off to make the Gala happen tomorrow. Today was a 14-hour day for me, and a longer one for my boss. We've talked about my boss. She is smart, funny, warm, a great leader, and a better friend. (And no, she doesn't know about the blog, so this isn't just brown-nosing. I actually do really like her. I kind of want to be her.) I'm pretty sure she's been at the office for 12+ hours every day for the past three weeks in preparation for tomorrow. She has sacrificed an incredible amount of her time and energy in order to pull this off, and has tried her absolute hardest to make everyone happy. Needless to say, there are always people in the world who are determined to make life difficult, however, and one of our guests is the epitome of this fact. As we were leaving the office at 10:30 tonight, my boss received an email from this horrendous human being, accusing her of being racist because of her table assignment. It made my boss/friend/hero cry in her office as we all stood awkwardly outside the door, unsure of what to do. And now I really want to kick some ass. Why do some people feel so entitled that they think it's absolutely acceptable to say whatever they want in the hopes of getting a rise out of someone? Why do some people think that it is okay to be mean? And why is it that some of us, myself included with a gold star, are so hurt by the insensitivity and cruelty of these rare and strange people? And, most importantly, why is it still illegal to kick the ever-loving crap out of them?

My tiny kitten, which Sis and I adopted in April, has now achieved a whopping 15 pounds. This is slightly horrifying, as he is still growing. Also, the fact that he still acts like a kitten, complete with the biting and pouncing on one's feet, is dramatically enhanced by the sheer magnitude of his being. It is highly overrated, and ridiculously cute.

Despite eating almost nothing for the past two weeks, I have still managed to gain five pounds. I find this to be horridly unfair. At the same time, however, I feel vindicated. I was explaining to a doctor recently that my weight plummets when I am happy and skyrockets when I am stressed, and he told me that this was "abnormal and highly unlikely." Take that, Doctor IknownothingaboutSnail.

There are tiny, shiny bits of myself (my soul) that seem to be coming alive recently. They freak me out and feel great, all at the same time. The irony, however, is that these sparkly pieces of glitter are also the cause of the depressed feelings. Is that possible? When something is capable of making me so happy, is it possible that it is also capable of making me feel so "blue?" Is this normal? I have no answers, and I'm oddly more comfortable discussing it in the blogosphere than I am talking to a trained professional about it. This, to me, also seems odd.

Thursday I am making fried chicken, biscuits, green beans with ham hock, cheese grits, and cobbler. I am also getting a haircut, and going to the doctor's appointment that I have rescheduled three times. (Yes, the lovely and wonderful boss has given me the whole day off.) I am living for Thursday.

This has been the longest, and shortest, of all months. I can't believe that January is almost over! Each day feels like an eternity, yet I can't seem to comprehend that February is only about a week away. I feel like the month has been a blur. Yet, somehow, during the last 20-some-odd days, I've helped my organization raise over a million dollars (!), made a few new friends, fallen in and out (and in) of "like," lost a roommate, and made over a whole normal paycheck's worth of overtime. I've also drunk an obscene amount of wine, bought more "convenience food" than I have since I was in college (thus the five pounds...), and gotten my lunch for free about 50% of the time. Will February bring the same brilliant insanity?

Eureka!!!

I have slept until nearly 7 am! YES! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!

I'm still tired, and still unable to get back to sleep. But 7:00 is a time that normal people sometimes wake up, so I'm satisfied.

There's hope, ladies and jellybeans!

Unexpected happiness

Will Samson, I Heart You. I love my mail, yet again! Instead of the myriad pieces of junk and statements that I owe money, I received a CD of songs that make me smile. (And OH MY GOD. You found the Brak song. I canNOT believe you found the Brak song. Somebody left a cake out in the rain! OH NO!)

This is the best week of mail I've ever had. It reminds me of the years when I was a kid, waiting by the mailbox as soon as we heard the mail truck coming down the street. The mail was always like a mini-Christmas every day. The mail truck brought with it endless possibility: someone would write to me, sending me words of encouragement, understanding, or insight into my world. The mail has never completely lost its magic on me. I still wait open my mailbox with a sense of anticipation, hoping against hope that someone has sent me something, some small sign of the way in which their universe intersects with mine. Email, while wonderful and instantaneous, has never really held the same sway over my psyche. Sure, each day I hope for an email from one of you (and I am usually gratified at some point during my daily journey), but there's a certain feeling that is incited by the opening of an envelope. The feeling of touching something that you so recently touched is like a hug, something that I often wish I could give and receive from each and every one of you.

So to the emailers, the snailmailers, and the phonecallers, thank you for making my life an amazing place to be. J'adore vous. And, I should just mention, I don't speak French, so if that's wrong... sorry.

Mwah. <---- that's a kiss noise. Just so's you know.

Sleeping in?

So I made it until 5:30 am today. An improvement, but I'd say there's still some work to be done on the sleeping front.

On top of Gala, I heard from my bank yesterday that there's been some fraudulent activity on my account, causing my RENT CHECK to have potentially bounced. They can't actually tell me which things have cleared and which haven't at the moment. Luckily, I have the greatest of all landlords, and he is extremely understanding. Not that this particularly assuages the embarrassment of me having to tell him that there is a possible problem, but it's nice to know that there are still good people in the world.

The day ended, however, with an impromptu dinner out for Greek (Turkish?) food, lots of laughter over my sleep-deprived use of the English language, and then receiving a package in the mail from Nko, which made life beautiful again. (You! Seriously, the best mail I've gotten in a long time.) So, regardless of the anti-sleep factor, the Gala and the bank awfulness, yesterday turned out to be a better-than-average day in the World of Me.

Let's keep up the good work!

It's 4 a.m.

I woke up in a cold sweat about an hour ago. I don't remember what I was dreaming about, but whatever it was caused me to sit straight up in bed, fully awake and breathing as though I'd just run a marathon. I need sleep. I need to go back to sleep. And, true to form, whenever I need sleep the most, it eludes me.

My cats are both passed out, taking up half the bed. One of them (I can't tell which) is snoring, little sighing sounds at two-second intervals. Occasionally, one wakes up and moves to a different spot, still as close to me as possible, circles, lies down, and conks out again. I wish I were a cat right now.

Come on, Sleep! Let's get this party started. For the love.

Anyone want to hit me upside the noggin with a baseball bat? I'll pay you...

Friends and Miscellany

1. You have all been amazing this weekend. I've gotten so many phonecalls and text messages and emails. I've already written so many times that I love my friends, that you are the kind of people I aspire to become. So I'll just reiterate that (wait, I just did...), and say thanks. Because you are all wonderful beyond words.

2. Greatest song lyric EVER, on Somebody More Like You, by Nickel Creek song: I hope you find someone your height so you can see eye to eye with someone as small as you. Um, bitter much? But dude, you know you've wanted to say it before. And that's seriously the most eloquent and poetic way I've ever heard it said. So ten points to you, Nickel Creek.

3. Most shameful moment of music listening in... years...

I just downloaded a Justin Timberlake song. That's right, I have lost all of my hipster "street cred," if such a thing exists (or, frankly, if I even want it, whatever it may be). This outranks someone recently discovering that I have "Livin' La Vida Loca" on my iPod. As a joke. I swear.

crickets

In my defense, it's catchy, and shaking my booty around the house is as strenuous as my exercising is going to get until Gala is over. So there. Thou shalt not judge me for my supremely teeny-bopper music downloading confession.

4. So today I went to the grocery store again, just to pick up a few things that my usual market doesn't stock. I guess I was hungry, because I came home with the makings of pot roast, fried chicken, and chili. The catch here is that I purchased ingredients enough to feed a small nation, and I live with no one. So, does anyone want to come over for dinner this week? Because that'd be very helpful.

5. I need a haircut, which is going to have to wait until my tax return comes in. And that is going to take a while, seeing as I haven't even gotten my forms. So. Please pardon the woman walking around with a blonde bush on her head for the next few months.

6. Have I mentioned that I love my friends? Because I do.

I love Sundays off!

Today I slept in. I did not go anywhere near any kind of work. I shopped for groceries. I made homemade biscuits. I watched seven episodes of Alias and did three loads of laundry. I've done some yoga, eaten a respectable amount of ice cream, and snuggled with both of my cats. I have not fixed my hair or put on makeup. I'm currently lounging around in my fuzzy teddy-bear-like sweatpants. I vacuumed, washed the dishes, and even gasp unloaded the dishwasher. I may or may not have tomorrow off for MLK day, but even this one day of retreating from the world has done miracles for my psyche.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get one particular person to pick up the telephone and call me... sigh

A music meme (Or, I Apparently Have A Sarah McLachlan Problem)

First, I should state for the record that I rarely use my iTunes as a music-playing device, primarily due to the fact that my speakers are absolute shit. A much more accurate count will be posted tomorrow, using my iPod.


Open iTunes. Click on the column header for "Play Count." What are the top 5 songs?

1. Fallen, Sarah McLachlan. 151 plays.
2. Wishful Thinking, Duncan Sheik. 133 plays. (Um, WHAT? I don't even remember the last time I listened to this song...)
3. White Flag, Dido. 109 plays.
4. Dirty Little Secret, Sarah McLachlan. 109 plays.
5. Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley. 107 plays.

I should also state that, of the top 20 songs, TWELVE of them were Sarah McLachlan. You should know this, so you can tell someone when I am hospitalized for an overdose.

Click the column header for "Last Played." What are the first 5 songs?

1. Brighter Discontent, The Submarines.
2. It'll All Work Out, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
3. 9 Crimes, Damian Rice.
4. Over My Head, The Fray.
5. Fools in Love, Inara George.

Click on the "Party Shuffle." What are the first 5 songs?

1. Son of a Preacher Man, Dusty Springfield.
2. Right Between the Eyes, Garbage.
3. The Freshmen, The Verve Pipe.
4. Northern Sky, Nick Drake.
5. I Alone, Live.

Click on the column header for "Year." What are the first 5 albums of 1994?

1. Under the Pink, Tori Amos.
2. Wildflowers, Tom Petty.
3. Strong Enough, Sheryl Crow.
4. Fumbling Towards Ecstacy, Sarah McLachlan.
5. When I Woke, Rusted Root.

Look at the bottom of your iTunes window. How many days of music do you have?

I have... ready?... 11.6 days of music on my computer. And most of my CDs are not actually on my iTunes. That is the kind of sickness we're talking about here, people. 11.6 days of music that I don't actually listen to that much, due to my shit speakers.

Additionally, I should also mention that all this talk of Sarah McLachlan has caused me to put one of her CDs on my stereo, just for good measure. Because, apparently, I don't already listen to her enough.

Ten points for me!

Redefining Regift...

As an aside, I feel like I should state for the record that this is the most unflattering photo that I've ever seen of my legs. Or, at least, of my ankles.

That is all. lol

Feelings I hate but have experienced today:

Rage
Sadness
Annoyance
Intolerance
Hopelessness
Paranoia
Exhaustion
Anxiety
Pessimism
Irritation
Impatience
Stubbornness
Hurt
Apathy

Tomorrow will be better. I swear, tomorrow will be better. I feel like Dorothy, closing my eyes, clicking my heels together three times. So, for the third time: Tomorrow will be better.

Anxiety much?

M'kay. So it is becoming painfully clear that I need to chill out. Why, you ask? Oh, believe you me, either A) I need to calm down, or B) I need to lay off the drugs. And, seeing as I'm so boring that I've only been high once (by ACCIDENT), I think option A is probably a safe bet. (As an aside, this might actually be best achieved by picking up a drug habit, but that's neither here nor there.)

What could possibly be my reasoning for this thought process? I'm so glad you asked! I went to bed last night at 8:30 after attempting to watch Batman Begins and crashing about halfway through. And I had one of those nights when I woke up a good six or seven times. But this time, I know exactly what was waking me up: my dreams. Which were seriously vivid. In my dreams, I repeatedly messed up several millionaire's Gala orders. And they were angry. So they sent ninjas to kill me. That's right, my generally sensible mind repeatedly awoke convinced that there were ninjas in my apartment.

crickets

A mind is a terrible thing to lose.

A sign of the times?

I am insanely busy right now at work. Need proof? Okay, here goes:

- I arrived at work at 8:30 this morning, and couldn't even check my personal email until I got home, 20 minutes ago.
- Today I received over 50 voicemails.
- It is currently 7:20, and all I want to do is go to bed.
- Arriving home, I noticed that my stomach had been killing me for several hours. Upon reflection, I realized that this was because I had not peed since before lunchtime.
- Dinner was a beer, a handful of tortilla chips, and the last two spoonfuls of queso. Both the queso and the chips were artificially flavored. Which is kind of against my religion.

Could someone please invent a time machine and transport me to January 25, when Gala will be over? That'd be great, thanks.

The truth of the matter

The Big D is rearing its ugly head, attempting to devour me. Depression has been a personal battle of mine since I can remember. I hate that I can feel it approaching, shaking the ground I stand on, and I hate that I am paralyzed standing in its path. The irony is that I am so overwhelmingly positive on a day-to-day basis that I think no one would ever think of this as an issue for me. Yet every second year, on average, I lose several months of productivity to this monster. Each time, I am determined to stand my ground and fight it, and I am sometimes successful. Today, I am fairly certain that this is just the warning alarm sounding after a few high-stress (and moderately lonely) days. Growing up in a family that considered depression to be a made-up problem, something that someone should just be able to "snap out of," I am still hit by waves of guilt that I am sitting around, feeling sorry for myself. Realistically, I know that this will not go away on its own. I know that I need to own the Big D, and the only way to remove its power is by giving it a voice. There's still a big part of me, however, that requires me to maintain the facade of perfection (or, at the very least, optimism) that I have spent the past 26 years painstakingly constructing. Tonight, I feel surrounded by an impenetrable barrier of darkness. I find it difficult to concentrate, and nearly impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is my version of the Big D, this feeling that I am swimming through mud towards a prize that is not worth the effort.

This may be the most honest thing I've posted on the blog. And I don't mean to alarm anyone. I've been reading more and more inspiring people, and I feel that I owe it to them to exhibit at least a modicum of the courage that they've displayed in recent weeks. So yes. The Big D is rearing its ugly head. And I'm going to fight it, as I always do. And eventually I'll win, I know that to be true.

ACK!

I feel like a human stress ball. I feel like I am being squeezed by a giant hand, and somehow I am just getting more and more compact.

Today two of my work friends were "terminated." And I will be filling in for them until they are replaced, which won't happen for several months. And their job centers around the gala, which will be happening in two weeks. Without them.

Add to this the fact that my biggest task of the year was supposed to be completed this past Friday. Through a series of events which, to be completely honest, were in no way my fault, we are now horridly behind schedule. So, I'm supposed to be doing this gigantic thing that I've been working on, and I'm supposed to jump in and work on this even-more-gigantic thing that someone else has been working on.

I am having one of those moments when the sheer enormity of what I'm up against is paralyzing. I can't even seem to formulate coherent thoughts, and I don't know where to begin getting stuff done. I might be in over my head.

A red-letter year

I can tell that 2007 is going to be the best year yet. Call me foolishly optimistic, but I have this sense of hopefulness, and of excited anticipation. I can't wait to see where this year takes me. I am excited to see how my life is going to change in the next 12 months. Or 11.75 months, I suppose. At any rate, I feel like this weekend was indicative of my reasoning for feeling this way. Because I'm lazy, another list:

1. Overate Korean Barbeque like it was my job.
2. Talked in a ridiculous Appalachian mountain accent for about four hours.
3. Laughed so hard that my stomach seriously hurt the next day.
4. Watched three trashy action movies.
5. Walked outside in the sunshine. In January. YES!
6. Talked to most of my friends on the telephone at least once.
7. Practiced for the first time in about a month.
8. Cleaned my house.
9. Drank a bottle of my current favorite white wine.
10. Ate chips and queso, and promptly felt disgusting.
11. Watched my cat do the most bizarre-o new thing, which mostly involves staring at his reflection in the tv and talking to himself.
12. Listened to about 15 cds.
13. Told one of my students that I am no longer willing to drive to San Carlos (40 minutes away) to teach only her in the middle of the day on Sunday. And succeeded in moving her to Saturdays, with everyone else.
14. Prepared myself for the onslought of work the next two weeks.
15. Took a bath.
16. Talked to Sis in England.

The next three are happening this evening, but I feel they should be included anyway:
17. Making fajitas.
18. Having my friend over for dinner while he visits from NYC.
19. Playing Mozart flute quartets. In a bar. Like a rockstar!!!

Now, that's what I call a great few days. Onward and upward, 2007!

"Living Alone" Dilemma of the Day

For the love of all that is good in the world, how do I make ONE decent cup of coffee in my coffee maker? My two options seem to be:
-One absolutely shit cup of coffee
-Five outstanding cups of coffee

In the world of things that are great, however, I slept through the night! That's my January Allotment of Good Sleeping, but damn, do I feel great!

Oh, and good morning, all!

Needing armor

Something has been happening in my life recently that I have stalwartly refused to believe. Like an ostrich with my head in the sand, I have denied that someone I have trusted and cared about could be so careless with me. I think I might be done with my unwillingness to think ill of this situation. I think I'm at the point of giving up. Except that I still have this speck of hope that I'm wrong, that there's some grand excuse and that everything will be okay.

This is the downside of my open-heartedness. I possess an amazing propensity for trusting (and liking) people too much. It is a double-edged sword, as it has allowed me to befriend some thoroughly amazing people who might not outwardly seem to be a natural part of my social circle. I've had some amazing experiences because of my somewhat childlike character, and I feel like it is a part of my personality that will never be extinguished. That being said, however, today I wish I were more worldy-wise, that I had the "I'm about to be hurt" radar that most people my age seem to have developed. I wish that I could become so enraged that I would feel righteously angry, rather than slightly damaged.

I will bounce back from this, and it will happen quickly. I just don't know how to resolve anything in the interim. I just don't feel like I have thick enough skin for this.

Who knew?

I just got a call from an old friend in the orchestral world. Apparently everyone in the New World Symphony is under the impression that I am getting married.

Congrats to me! Let's open the champagne!

Denial is a river in... England

In less than 24 hours, I will be living alone. Sis is leaving for Portsmouth at 4:45 pm today. I am trying desperately not to think about it, choosing instead to worry incessantly about things that don't matter. We've lived together for nearly a year, and I rely upon her presence at the beginnings and endings of my days. I love sitting together over our morning coffee, which we learned to fix together. I love watching the cats try to decide between her rice milk and my genuine dairy in the bottoms of our cereal bowls. I love being guaranteed that someone will get all of my jokes, and laugh at everything stupid I do, without judgement.

Realistically, I know that this is good for both of us. We tend to feed off of one another, comfortable in the relative isolation of our tiny apartment. An apartment which, in a few short hours, will feel cavernous. I am proud of her for taking such a brave step, moving to another country. I am inspired by this bold move, this leap of faith that she is choosing to make. I am just terrified of the void she will leave in my life.

I foresee many large phonebills in my future. I predict that I will be crying in my bathtub tomorrow at this time. The silence of my apartment will be deafening for a few weeks. And then life will simply adjust to feeling normal again, and we will learn to adapt.

To my best friend, safe travels. You are who I want to be when I grow up. I am so proud of you, and I will miss you with every bone in my body. And you better freaking come back and visit me!

Resolutions

Every year since I was a kid, my New Year's resolution has been to lose
weight. This includes the years when I weighed under 100 pounds. I
think that's just sad. But anyway... This year, I resolve not to
resolve to lose weight. And if you followed that sentence, you're a
better woman than I. Or man. Or whatever. So, without further ado, my
first list of 2007:

1. Get rid of all the clothes that I don't like or that make me feel awkward, ugly, or self-conscious, regardless of their functionality.
2. Call my grandparents more.
3. Get out of my apartment after dark more often.
4. Pay off a substantial chunk of my credit card debt.
5. Take a vacation.
6. Explore at least three local places on my "list of places to see in the Bay area."
7. Create a functional circle of friends in San Francisco. Preferably of people who know and like one another, as well!
8. Fall in love as frequently as possible. (This doesn't mean with tons of
people, necessarily. It can mean places, smells, events, sounds...)
9. Change the oil in my car when I'm supposed to.
10. Try one new recipe a week.
11. Read 20 books. I'm not feeling as ambitious as the rest of you, I realize, but 20 is all I can imagine having the time for!
12. Start practicing again.
13. Go salsa dancing at least once.
14. Figure out a way to give myself one day off per week, even if that means teaching less.
15. Excel at my job, and hopefully get promoted.
16. Get my shoes repaired instead of wearing through them.
17. Call people back in a timely fashion. (Really, I'm going to try. I promise.)
18. Take more pictures.
19. Cry less than in 2006.
20. Go to at least three of the street fairs in San Francisco. I can't believe I haven't been to a single one!!!
21. Hear more live music.
22. Call my sister in England at least once a week.
23. Surround myself with people who care about me, and stop worrying about the people who don't.
24. Along those lines, stop trying so darn hard to make people care about
me. Um, hi. If you can't like me on your own, that's your loss!
25. Send more letters.
26. Say what's on my mind. At least, occasionally!
27. Laugh more than in 2006.
28. Learn how to stand up for myself without getting so pumped full of adrenaline that I start to cry. That is absurd, and really mortifying!
29. Remember to wash my face before going to bed. Trivial, yes, but important? Definitely!
30. Learn to say "no" to things that hurt me, even if it means disappointing others.
31. Most importantly: Learn to say "yes" to things that, while scary, will make me happy.

That's all I have for now. Happy 2007, blogging world!