Tomorrow night is the Chairman's Council Dinner for SFB. I've been working late every night in preparation. There's really not much else to do, just remember everything I need for the event. As Jill said tonight, the past three days I've truly felt as though I'm "working for the man." Granted, in my case "the man" happens to be a non-profit arts organization, making my corporate slavery something of a noble cause. Despite the "good cause" part of all of this, my spirit today feels drained. I miss playing. I miss the feeling of sitting in an orchestra. I miss doing something at which I feel not only competent, but nearly-exceptional. I miss falling in love with my profession every day. Sitting in my office, I feel isolated from real life, from the heartbeats of real people. Although teaching elementary school last year felt a bit like my energy was being sucked out of me, I miss the interaction with my kids and their parents. I miss hugs every day from six-year-olds.
Realistically, I know this is the Existential Life Crisis talking. I know that no one is who they want to be in their mid-twenties. How can we be? We are torn by the sudden juxtaposition of who we dream of becoming and who we have to be to pay the rent. For the first times in our lives, we are forced to face the possibility that our identities are not tied to our jobs. For my entire life, if asked who I was, I would reply "I am a flutist." Today, I don't know the answer to that question. Who am I? I am a generally happy person. I am a loving person. I hope that when I die, people will say I was a good person. I hope that when I am old, I can look back and say I loved as fully as possible. I hope I can say I made someone's life better.
I'm not intending to be depressing today. I'm not sad, simply contemplative. Part of it is working late for the past three days. Part of it might possibly be the two glasses of wine I drank after I got home tonight. Most of it, I'm convinced, is the fact that I'm turning 26 in a few weeks, and I'm feeling farther from knowing who I am than ever. When does this end? When will I wake up and feel secure in my own skin? When will I believe that I'm enough as I am? And does this happen to everyone?
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1 comment:
once again 'snail, your text based version of yourself impresses me and makes me smile a wistful smile.. for what its worth, I do think we all go through it.... perhaps a harder questions is "does it ever stop"? man!! talk about potential depression!!
Taking the avenue of contemplation, though, I'll simply say that the sharing of such thoughts lets me feel your human-ness, and intensifies the feeling in me too.. and it's actually sort of a warm feeling...
good to be human with you 'snail..
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