Instructions

I think we should each come with a manual. I believe a booklet of helpful hints would seriously reduce awkward situations, embarrassment, and sometimes even major trauma. So, in an effort to encourage this habit, I am submitting phase one of the Abbersnail Model 2006 Manual:

1. I am nice. I am not thinking mean things about you and simply pretending to be nice. I am just nice. End of story.
2. Along those lines, I am having a good time. I really do enjoy casual conversation with strangers. My dad and my granddad passed that "gift" on to me.
3. I laugh a lot. Loudly. If you can't handle that, we might as well stop right now.
4. I am a relatively niave person. I frequently don't pick up on sexual jokes on the first try. Many of my friends find it endearing, but you may not. That's fine with me, because it annoys me that I miss them, too.
5. If you suggest an athletic activity for an early-on get-together, I will not be excited. I am a truly horrifying athlete, and I don't really want you to like me less just because I suck at sports. And games. All games and sports, really. After we've established that we really are friends, then you can ask me to mortify myself in the name of sports.
6. I'm a good friend. I'll make you soup when you're sick, I'll call you and tell you a funny story the moment it occurs. If you've had a terrible day, I'll do something completely ridiculous to attempt to brighten it.
7. I like to notice details about the world. I don't rush through things. I also don't rush into things.
8. Despite many, many years of dance training, I fall down a lot. Please see number five.
9. Whatever I say, please take it at face value. I don't play the game of hidden meanings.
10. I detest lying. I love good storytelling.
11. I am truly, seriously, genuinely low-maintenance. Unless there's a really good reason, I will not get upset if you don't call/email/show up in a timely fashion. I appreciate punctual people, but I don't demand them.
12. I almost NEVER get mad.
13. Gifts make me feel awkward. I'd have to be incredibly comfortable with you to feel okay about receiving a gift. Unless it is a mix CD, in which case I'd be completely gobsmacked. In a good way.
14. My main source of humor is me. Your main source of humor should not be me. I can deal with teasing, but...(See 15)
15. I am sensitive. Please be nice. Please reflect on numbers one, four, six, and nine.
16. If we are walking anywhere and there is a dog, I will have to "say hello." It's a compulsion, I can't control it. Sorry.
17. PLEASE do not make fun of my walk. It is the thing about which I am the most self-conscious. I know it's unique, I've tried to change it, and it makes me feel like I'm in high school when you make fun of it.
18. I will celebrate your birthday every year. I will bake you a cake from scratch and make your favorite dinner.
19. I will not continue as your friend (or otherwise) if you are mean to the waiter. A nice person is not mean to the waiter.
20. I love it when boys open the door for me. This does not make me anti-feminist, it makes me Southern.
21. Soft t-shirts are something of an obsession. Soft anything, to be perfectly honest. If ever we end up in a clothing store, I will touch everything. As such, I will do my utmost to never make you go shopping with me.
22. I know I'm short. Starting a conversation with, "Wow, you're short," is not a way to impress me with your powers of observation.
23. I feel out-of-place in trendy bars. I'm very happy to grab a beer, sit at a picnic table, and talk about whatever. Or, frankly, sit in silence and just enjoy the sun/stars/music/whatever.
24. I'm a big fan of privacy. Occasionally, I like to unplug from the world and go into hiding. Please don't take it personally. It's a major flaw of my character, and I'm working on it. Feel free to call me on it, but please, be kind.
25. I do not like horror movies. They scare the ever loving crap out of me. I will dream about them until the end of my life. Do yourself a favor and accept that RIGHT NOW.
26. I have a really crazy imagination. I'll frequently imagine a scenario that I wished had gone differently, and set about correcting it in my mind. Sometimes I start carrying on conversations out loud, when they should just be happening in my head. Whoops.
27. I love cooking for others. Everyone says that, but any of my college/grad school friends will tell you that it's really true.
28. I have a southern accent sometimes. It comes and goes, but if you think it makes me sound dumb, we should move on right now.
29. By the same token, I don't like being treated like I'm dumb. I do stupid crap sometimes. I'll be the first to laugh about it when I do stupid crap. But please don't treat me like I'm a moron.
30. Most of my friends are guys. I have been told frequently that I'm a "guy's girl." I really feel like many items on this list are a direct result of most of my friends being guys.
31. Once we're friends, I'll go to the end of the earth to make your life better.
32. I know this list makes me sound like I have an over-inflated sense of self-importance. But really, what's a blog for?
33. Um, hi. That was a joke.