Cleaning House

Yesterday evening, J and I came to what may be the first mature decision of our relationship: we decided to walk away from each other and let bygones be bygones. No more phonecalls, no more "hanging out," nothing. Admittedly, I'm having a hard time forgiving him for all the crap of the past six-plus years. It is extremely difficult for me to let stuff go, and I know that having some distance will help that. I'm sad to be letting go of something that I invested so much of myself into, but I'm also surprised by how natural it feels. Partly, I think, this is because I've been letting go slowly for a long time. Mostly, though, I feel a major sense of relief that it is done for good. We don't have to keep emotionally pommeling each other until the dawn of time. We're finished.

While I feel really calm about this right now, I know that there are things I am not looking forward to. Post-breakup, we never went through the division of stuff. We're going to do that now, and that part really sucks. I'm not even a little bit excited about the moment at some point on the horizon when I will run into him with his (future) new girlfriend. The big one, though, is that I am cutting my "best friend" out of my life. I put that in quotes, because lately we haven't been any kind of friends, let alone the BFF variety. It's just weird, letting go of someone who knows ALL of my stories, gets all of my favorite jokes, knows every food I like and dislike. The list is endless, really. But I suppose part of the fun of starting something new is rediscovering yourself.